


A Matter of Convenience

by AwfulLawful



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Culture, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alien Sex, Alien/Human Relationships, Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Abortion, M/M, Oral Sex, Rough Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:22:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29690151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwfulLawful/pseuds/AwfulLawful
Summary: Zim had inadvertently proven the compatibility of Irken and Human DNA with his stupid bologna prank.  Ten years after that had happened and one random data check on ZIM’s base computer later, and suddenly Earth had become very interesting to the empire.  Or, Humans in particular had.  Well, their DNA at least.  Now humans and Irkens had to interact in a way that the conquering species was unaccustomed to.  Fortunately, humans had many advantages in this situation.  And Dib was prepared to take full advantage.
Relationships: Dib/Zim (Invader Zim)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 52





	A Matter of Convenience

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure if I'm going to continue this or not. It was a random gift for someone who did an excellent commission for me... but not sure if this is to their liking. They seem to prefer short and sweet things with not much reference to smut. I will add credit if they approve. However, not including credit for the inspiration seems more polite at the moment. I Will update soon if given permission.

The Irkens had conquered Earth. 

Zim hadn’t done it. Of course Zim hadn’t done it. He was exiled on Earth, not there to conquer it. His own personal little playground, useless to the empire, to wreak havoc on so long as it kept him away from Irk. He’d been just as surprised as every human had been when they arrived and took over in less than three hours.

Every human except Dib. He’d intercepted the signal while monitoring the Massive (yet another thing he could thank Zim for, as he’d merely copied what Zim had done the day he took control of it) and screamed to anyone that could hear him that they were about to be conquered by aliens. So he’d spent the day of conquest in a straight jacket in an asylum, courtesy of his father, unable to do anything about it.

Not that he was bitter or anything.

Unsurprisingly, they had only bothered to go out of their way to do it after Zim had inadvertently proven the compatibility of Irken and Human DNA with his stupid bologna prank. Ten years after that had happened and one random data check on ZIM’s base computer later, and suddenly Earth had become very interesting to the empire. Or, Humans in particular had. Well, their DNA at least.

As it turned out, the Control Brains and the computers and researchers responsible for cloning smeets discovered very quickly how certain strains of Human DNA added to Irken DNA improved the resulting smeets considerably. Particularly the four copies of a gene that aided in developing their big brains. Anything that improved the PAK’s control over the Irken body was welcome, and with more surface area on a smeet’s brain that made it far easier for the PAK to maintain everything from healing and memory storage to emergency control of the body while unconscious to retreat to safety.

And then there was the matter of Humans evolving to be endurance hunters, capable of simply outlasting the stamina of their prey and cutting them down while exhausted – something Irkens weren’t capable of without the aid of their PAK maintaining the body constantly.

Yes… they were VERY interested in human DNA. And as a result, they were interested in keeping Earth habitable for the very species that had polluted it past any Irken’s ability to touch the water. For a species that frequently razed the surfaces of most planets in mere hours, they were equally good at preserving ones they found valuable for whatever reason. And earth was now essentially a Human Farm and Smeetery.

Earth now looked like what Dib suspected a futuristic paradise should. The garbage in the oceans was gone. The climate was stabilized. The air was clean – Dib could see farther than he ever had in his life. Education and medical care and housing was under control. Crimes were punished so harshly that after the first few hundred public executions were carried out nobody dared unless it was a crime of passion. Rationing made sure no one went hungry or became too unhealthy, though Dib knew that was merely resource regulation and not intentionally helpful. With no monetary system and everyone merely expected to do their assigned job, Humanity essentially had the same rights and freedoms as their own conquerors.

NONE. Each one of them was a cog in a greater machine and they just had to deal with it and press on. Even the Irkens.

All-in-all, Earth was THRIVING under the Irken Empire. And humanity owed it to simply being an intelligent and efficient predator that had, in it’s own way, earned the begrudging respect of another of their own ilk.

Existing under Irken rule was a surprisingly good gig for Dib. 

He and his family were quickly discovered to have a rare variant of five copies of the big brain gene. No wonder Dib and his entire family had always felt like they were surrounded by idiots. Comparatively, they very well were. That made them valuable enough to keep alive and healthy, and furthermore _happy_. Professor Membrane had gone into Irken science with fervor once he recovered from his ‘aliens are real’ shock, allowed to keep his own lab and staff so long as he continued to supply the smeeteries with whatever samples they wanted from him and Gaz. Gaz… had begun designing video games for humans and aliens alike and sometimes seemed to be genuinely happy when Dib saw her. As happy as they were, they couldn’t hold a candle to how Dib felt.

With such an efficient DNA catalogue and planet surveillance system, they’d confirmed so many things Dib had always known. And they allowed Dib to help them.

The first big discovery? A strange subspecies of Human that was burned by sunlight, could only subsist on a diet of fresh blood, and had remarkable healing capabilities. Vampires. He’d never forget the look on his Dad’s face when he brought him the scientifically documented proof, and the Irkens backed him up. Take THAT, asshole.

Next came Bigfoot, or more accurately a bipedal primate that had yet to be discovered. The same as when Gorrillas had been deemed outlandish falsehood until actually found in the wild, Dib got his credit at last. And since he’d found the species he got to name it. Now Bigfoot was real, scientifically documented, and Dib hit his dad with proof again.

So it went until Dib and the Parry-Normal (as the Irkens insisted on calling it) Team had scoured the planet in less than six months. Some things were real, others not, but in the end Dib had fulfilled his life’s purpose. He’s proven what was fake and what was real, and made his dad see him as a sane man willing to admit when a story was just a story, and when Vampires were real.

Dib LOVED his job. But it didn’t last, so he had to get a new one.

And after speaking to the smeetery’s research division when they summoned him, they suggested one.

In order to further their studies into gene variants it only made sense to let evolution continue rather than merely manipulating the DNA in the lab. They needed embryos to develop just far enough to be studied – no more than a few weeks – before having their genetic sequences added to the mainframe. However, they were having problems developing embryos in the lab to study. Firstly, using human eggs kept failing. They were… picky about what they would develop and kept rejecting Irken DNA and essentially dying out of spite. Thus, Human women were not an option. Human DNA would develop better results with Irken eggs, but again those weren’t viable for long outside of a highly controlled environment.

As in, the environment of an Irken body. And artificial insemination wouldn’t produce the kind of random evolutionary glitches as natural reproduction. The human males would be selected based on their genetic viability and (amazingly) comfort level with the assignment as Irkens had learned their emotionally frail species tended to react poorly to unwanted contact.

Dib already knew he had an extremely rare gene and got the distinct feeling he was merely being informed what his new career would be rather than being given the option. They offered him some form of medication which he assumed to make him ‘comfortable’, but he politely declined it and accepted the information with grace, which seemed to please them at least. He couldn’t find himself upset about it, though. 

It was something he’d discovered he was good at in his late teens, when horny humans did what was natural. Or, not so natural to most people, who needed to learn how to do it. But Dib?

A body was just an organic machine to him. It had specific parts in specific locations that did specific things. And just like any other machine it’d do what you wanted if you read the user’s manual and pushed the right buttons in the right order. Sure, none of his previous encounters had actually wanted a relationship with him or anything because he was too weird and obsessive and, to them, possibly insane. None of them ever denied one thing though.

Dib was one hell of a good lay.

Resigned, Dib agreed to his new assignment and went back to his assigned dwelling, only to discover he was being moved to an improved one with an extra room purely dedicated to his work. If nothing else, the extra bedroom was welcome. He humorlessly referred to it as his office.

The first time one of those imperious little shits strode into his home, nonexistent nose in the air, demanding Dib ‘do his job and get it over with’ so they could leave his ‘ _filthy human hovel’_ , he snapped.

HELL no. Technically it wasn’t part of his job description. All he had to do was fertilize some eggs and nothing else. But he wasn’t about to put up with any of these little bugs treating HIM like he was inferior when it was his genes they needed!

It didn’t take Dib long to find those buttons on an alien body. He’d already been allowed to study their anatomy. Some were similar, others far off, but when Dib got his hands on them, his _mouth_ on them, he made that uptight Irken bastard **_wail_** twice before he even ‘did his job’ with smug satisfaction.

When they left, looking downright defeated, Dib heard them mutter about not even screaming during military training. THAT had been a good day. Clearly, he’d given that pompous bug a lot more than they’d bargained for.

Dib decided he was going to love his new job too. At least he was just as good at it as his last one. Besides, he really didn’t have any other choice. 

In the Irken Empire, one couldn’t afford to be useless, and you only got so many chances to be useful before you were DEFECTIVE.

Before he went to bed in his upgraded home, Dib briefly wondered what the poor bugs caught in the other end of this deal had done to become egg-incubators.

* * *

Zim shuddered when the ice-cold gel was spread on his abdomen. The medical drone prodding at him just after made a jolt of hot pain spread in his egg sack. 

This was his third checkup of the week. If only that filthy human hadn’t been so rough with him the eggs wouldn’t be in such poor condition. They’d already had to remove three that had been damaged as it was! And when Zim had requested a different human due to the egg damage? The coordinator had the nerve to tell Zim it was his fault for failing to control the human!

_Oh, he was going to control that human next time he saw it, all right._

If only that disgusting Torque thing hadn’t discovered so quickly, he could immobilize Zim by pulling on his fragile antennae… Zim would have freed his organs to spill on the floor. Zim’s ONLY duty to the empire and he’d lost nearly half the eggs to a lapse in judgement. 

The medical drone grumbled and Zim winced, wondering how many would have to be removed this time. It was such a painful process, and annoying since his PAK couldn’t give him the proper pain medication while he was healing because of the eggs.

That human was certainly dying the next time Zim met him. And any others that treated Zim’s egg sac as a punching bag for their spike.

He couldn’t afford any mistakes.


End file.
